TheChaosReturns

I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be an artist because it won't take me where I want to get. I'm just not good enough to do so. What I mean: There are artists who do nothing but draw the whole day, who have talent. I am not a talented artist, I learned to draw. I can draw like I do because of hard work and drawing for so many years even though I'm not satisfied with my art pieces I load them up in the internet to get feedback. Bad thing is that I don't get the feedback I search for. I don't want to say that I hate to read that some people like my art. I love to read that my art is good or beautiful or something but I also want to read what I do wrong. At the same time I'm scared of hearing what I do wrong...
Plus nobody wants me to draw so I could earn a bit money or something with that. I'm not greedy and I'm not drawing to earn money but the thing is... It's discouraging that nobody would pay for my pieces. I don't trust that much in myself and I'm not satisfied with my art so I can understand why nobody wants to pay for my art.
I thought about this for quite a time and realized that I'm way better at writing stories and so on, way better than I'm at drawing. More people read my stuff then look at my art. That made me think about all these things and I came to a conclusion.
I'm going to focus more on my writing skills again. The last days and weeks I don't have the feeling to draw, I can't get anything on my paper and can't do anything about that. But with my fan fictions I write I can reach out to so many people for some time. More and more people read my stories and seem to like them.
I'm not quitting to draw but I will draw even less than I do now, I think. But I hope you'll still be there when I do upload an art piece.

I thought about this for some time now and I've come to the conclusion that I wanted to share this with you. Maybe it's easier then to understand my art or my poems

I wasn't always as happy as I am now. I had a very bad time some years ago... That time I also had the wish to die and tried a few times but happily it didn't really work. Well, actually I don't want to talk about that wish itself but the reason why I thought about something like that. It still hurts me mentally and that's the reason I want to write it down, who knows maybe it helps me

Well, some years ago, I was 11 years old, my great-grandma died. She was a really special person for me. She taught me how to speak and how to read (at least a little bit, most I learned from my big sister). When she died I had a very bad depression. I didn't knew what it was that time so I thought it was normal to be sad about her death for more than two years.
While these two years I had only a few moments when I was really happy. Most of the time I was sad and depressed... About that time my mom took me to a doctor because she had a thyroid illness. She took me to the doctor because my sister was ill, too and so she thought that maybe I could have the same thing as well. The doctor sent me to hospital but noone told me why. I thought it's nothing serious only a little thing that they have to cut out, they also told me something like that. They cut one half of my thyroid out and I was a week at this hospital. It wasn't a bad time.... I kinda enjoyed it.
But when I went back to school I started to be depressed again and I was afraid to tell my parents. I didn't wanted them to be angry or something. I talked with one of my teachers about my thoughts every week for about one year. Then he told me that I had to talk to my parents and so I did... They didn't beliefe me and I was hurt badly because of that. I was sure that it was a bad idea to talk to them about my problems. Then I had to go to the doctor again because of my thyroid. He had to check every half a year if everything's ok. But then he told me something like: "Well, good that everything's over. You're cancer's gone." As I heard the word "cancer" that was all I could think of. I paniked because I thought I'd have cancer at that exact moment! But he helped me to calm down and told me that it's okay. They cut the cancer out and I'm taking medicin every day that this cancer thing can't happen again. I was so confused and asked my mom if she knew that. She told me that she wanted to tell me this in some better way and when I'm about 18 years old. She thought I wouldn't be strong enough to know all that. I was so angry and didn't wanted to talk to my mom for a long time. I asked my dad, my grandmother, my aunt... They all knew that I had cancer except my sister so she won't tell me... I got depressed more then ever... (You know, depression is one side effect of hypothyroidism).
I also had the thoughts that I shouldn't be alive anymore. I would've had cancer for the reason to die. I was so lonly and sad at that time. I had a few friends, that's true, but I let noone in my heart and tried to laugh all the time so noone would know that I had problems. I wanted to tell nobody about my fear to get cancer again and I always laughed it off when somebody asked me about that. You know... When I came back from hospital I had to wear scarfs for 6 months so no sunlight would get to my scar I have on my throat. I wasn't happy about the scar and thought it was so ugly but then I calmed down about that. I thought that it's okay... But then one day my scarf fell off in class and some girls from my class saw my scar and screamed that I'd look so ugly and like a Zombie.
I got depressed again and hated myself more than ever. I cut my hair and thought I could stop being myself but well, it didn't work. I started drawing and reading again, more then I ever did before. I kinda made my own little reality where everything was ok. But school didn't work out well and I had to do the same class again.
I was with new people and I felt like nobody would like me. (I was the Goth in a room full of Models). But I talked to some girls that seemed nice, I knew one of them from some years ago. She loved drawing like I do. We were good friends but then she had to leave school because of mental problems. And there I was alone again.
But to be honest, I now kinda made friends with some of my class. We are the people that don't really belong there but it's okay for me. I have more friends outside school that know me better and understand me. Who are there for me. I'm still afraid that they all could start to hate me all of a sudden but I try to be strong.
I'm also still afraid to get cancer again. I'm afraid to die. I don't want to die anymore. Life's too short to take one's own life... My life got so much better because I stayed strong. 

This shouldn't be a story to tell you that nobody has the right to kill himself or whatever. It's just to show you that I thought life was over and everything was bad but it turned out well. I even got more friends than I ever had before and all of them are lovely. It's just... I don't know how to say that... Maybe I'm kinda strange sometimes. And maybe I kinda say the wrong words sometimes. But there was a time when I said nothing at all and that nearly took my life so now I try to say everything that comes to my mind and to help others who want to talk about their problems so nobody would have to go through the same things I did.

Thank you for reading

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Hello everyone ^-^
I was thinking about some kind of project
You know I'm already working on a Manga but I'm kinda in the mood for drawing a romance Manga with lots of love and so on :3
Would you like to see something like that?
At the moment I can't go to school because of a serious illness, so I just wanted to do something useful
I thought about a Manga with some short stories and you can tell me some ideas if you have some :3
I'd love to get your support on this thing ^-^

Greetings :3

I already told you about my Band, right?
Now, I finished a preview video from our first gig
I would love you to watch it ^-^